Quote of The Week

I have been thinking for a while now that I am going to start posting some of the funny shit I hear. I hear a lot of funny shit. One can’t work with the population that I do without running into some characters who say things that either make me ’bout pee my pants laughing or look at them and wonder what the farg they were thinking. The following falls into the “what the farg were you thinking” category;

“You might want to check in on her every once in a while and make sure she is still breathing.”

WHAT?!

What!

Really? How is it possible that you hold the position you do?

Did I mention this was said to an intern? The poor thing was probably ready to lose her lunch.

I don’t know, but I would think that if you are concerned the client will stop breathing, don’t ya think it might be a good idea to maybe send her to the hospital?!

But what do I know? I’m just a lowly counselor.

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The Joys of Working In A Detox

My work cares about good hygiene. Observe;

All of these hand washing posters are in the woman’s bathroom that is attached to the staff lounge. In addition to these posters, we have received a number of emails regarding H1N1. They tell us to cover our coughs and sneezes, not to use others phones or key boards, stay home of we are sick, and of course, wash our hands.

They ought to put up a couple of posters that say;

Don’t Leave A Cup of Piss On The Table In The Bathroom!

Granted, this was in the upstairs staff bathroom, but still.  I suppose if one is having a bad hair day, one could sprinkle a little piss on their hair and then use the brush they provide for us.

Where Do I Begin?

I have been gone from this space for a long time. Sorry about that. The thing is, with all the school work, I don’t feel much like writing anything extra. My course work for my current class is light so I took some time off from both it and this space. Class resumes in two weeks and my plan is to bang out all the work by this weekend. I’m off from work until Monday, although not by choice. I’ll explain later. So, if you care to know, here is what I have been up to in the last month;

• P-town was awesome. No lie, it is the first time that there has been no drama among my peeps. Probably because I am no longer friends with the dramatic people.
• My current class, Applied Group Dynamics, is not what I expected but interesting.  We have a team project due for the next weekend. We have a theme which we have to research but we are NOT allowed to discuss until the day it is due. My team members freaked out a bit by this. I think it is brilliant! The teacher is forcing us to figure out how to work as a team in a very short amount of time. It’s going to be fun!
• The Girl and I are getting along exceeding well. Dispite the stress in our life with our jobs and our education and the (sometimes) not so great behavior that goes along with said stress, we manage to have great communication and a TON of fun.

I was telling SLM2 about how great it was going and informed her that I was planning on asking her (The Girl, not SLM2) to move in with me in August. SLM2 asked why August to which I stated that August would be 5 months for us and although I planned on waiting longer to ask her, I figured 5 would due. My friend then said; ” Do you think you are ready to live with her now?”

“Without a doubt!”

“Then why are you waiting until August?”

“It’s the principle of it. I always rush into things and it doesn’t work out.”

“You have already waiting longer than you have in the past! Principle! Your waiting on principle but you’re ready to live with her now! Jesus Christ, ask the woman to move in with you already!”

“You know what man? You’re right! I’m going to ask her!”

“It’s about fucking time!”

• To be sure, I decided to run it by someone I knew would ask me questions that maybe I hadn’t thought through. I called Chili, she was unable to take my call. Drastic times call for drastic measures so I called Mr. Chili. Mr. Chili is a researcher. God love him, but it takes him FOREVER to make  decisions. He needs to know every detail, compare, and sit with the facts before he makes a move. Usually this applies to major purchases like cars and TV’s but he ALWAYS ways the pro’s and cons of a thing before making a decision. As a result, I trust him with big decisions and although I don’t call him for help often, I know without a doubt he will always point me in the right direction. So, I call him up, tell him where I’m at with The Girl and what I’m thinking. He suggested that I spend 5 full days in a row with her first and see how that goes. I tell him we have already done that, went great. He takes that in then says; “You know Auntie, you haven’t lived with a partner for a long time. You are set in your ways and she’s going to do things that may bug you but you’re going to have to learn to bend.” I told him I understood that and I feel like we both were doing a great job of meeting in the middle. I then told him a story that  The Girl asked me not to share on this space (I don’t know why, it’s a wicked fucking funny story that involves veggies) to prove that I am much more easy going than I used to be. His response? “Do it! You love each other and are happy. There’s no reason to wait.” When it comes to love, Mr. Chili is all business.
• I asked The Girl to move in, she said yes.
• Work, school, and moving = more stress. All things considered, we did a great job and had a reasonably smooth move. (Smooth move. That just made me chuckle!) We make a great team, me and The Girl!
• I would like to take a moment to give  a HUGE shout out to her bro-in-law. He very happily loaded her couch into his big SUV, sat in traffic for about an hour, and lugged the thing up the stairs with me .  The whole thing took MUCH longer than it should have. I asked him if his wife was going to be upset. He said no and just as he did, she called. Not 3 seconds later, The Girl called me. After we hung up with our respected women he said; “Do you think they planned that?”  He stuck around for pizza (which he wouldn’t let me buy), beer, and conversation. I am profoundly grateful for his help and  I thoroughly enjoyed his company.
• As you may remember, the grant ran out for the program for which I worked. Although I had many job offers, none were panning out for one reason or another. I was, although I know that I will always be ok, getting very worried. Yesterday was my last day and I still had no job secured. My phone rings at 10, I am told to make some calls, I interview at 9:30 this morning and I get the job. I’ll spare you the details but I will say that between the hours of (I think) 5pm on Monday and 10am on Tuesday a series of events took place that resulted in a position being open. My new boss told me today that she asked “everyone I could” about me and all the feedback she got was good. Officially, I was unemployed for 2.5 hours. Although the company already paid out all my earned time off, I do not have to start from scratch. I can tell already I am going to enjoy working for my new boss. She appears to be very smart, no nonsense, extremely good to her employees, and willing to teach me anything and everything I want to learn about the job. So, I am now a Comprehensive Risk Counselor. Basically what I will be doing is HIV education and prevention to at risk women. The new Boss told me she doesn’t expect me to have clients for a bit and she would give me plenty of time to recruit the ten she wants me to have. I told her I could have ten by the end of the day. She lit up. My plan is to spend my first two days becoming an expert on HIV then get right to work with clients. Good stuff.
• I missed posting about a bunch of birthdays while I was away. Punkin, Mr. Chili, Boss, and Little Boss all turned one year wiser. Happy late birthday!
• There is more, but I am getting tired of typing and I need to got to the market. More to come soon, I promise!

A Week In Review

I took Punkin and Beaner roller skating on Monday.

 By the time we got there and got our skates on, they just started to do the hokey-pokey. The girls decided not to participate, but watched from the side while loving each other. I love it when they do that.

 They both did very well, but they are both very stiff when they skate. I encouraged them to loosen up a bit, they encouraged me to shut the hell up. Also, Bean reprimanded me for breaking a rule. 

 I have noticed that my iphone takes craptastic pictures. Hopefully Apple will work that out soon.

 I got new glasses this week. SLM1 was going to go with me to pick out a pair last week but I had to cancel because I was stuck at work so the Room-Mate went with me on Sunday. I found a pair I liked and so far, everyone seems to think they suit me. 

 I almost got rear-ended by a oil truck yesterday. I was stopped at a red light, I hear screeching tires, and I look in my mirror to see a shiny Mack truck grill about a foot away. Yikes.

 Today I went to one of our programs to visit one of my clients. While I was there I talked with a co-workers client too because, well, you know. On the way out, I was walking to my car and some lady was walking to her car. When we got to our  cars, we both realized at the same time that we were at the wrong cars. What are the chances of that?

 After that I went to the mall to return some stuff and then to Target to get some more stuff. On the way in I thought that it was getting cold so when I got back to my car, I was going to put my coat back on.

Wait.

My coat?

Why don’t I have my coat on now? I mean, it’s nice enough not to wear it, but I had it on didn’t I?

Damn! I left my coat at the program!

 I called them, they put it away for me. 

 Tomorrow should be a low key day. I’ll see a client, do some paperwork, have lunch, do more paperwork, then go to the bosses office to put my feet on his desk (btw,TBD, I have no idea if he fucks a lot and I don’t want to know!)and turn in my time sheet. This weekend I am doing some school work and maybe hanging with some peeps. Also, maybe the Chili’s can come down and have lunch with me on Sunday?

You?

Buzzer Beater

 This is Mr. Security. He works at one of the buildings I find myself in rather frequently. This picture was taken of him sitting at the security command POST. 

 What you can’t see in this picture is the computer screens in front of him that display images from the security cameras. Mr. Security and I like to play a game called “who can open the bathroom door first.”

 The bathrooms are in the hall and they are always locked. Mr. Security has figured out that when I come in, I go to the office, grab the key and head for the bathroom. I try to get the key in the door before he has a chance to buzz me in. He almost always wins. It’s a challenge because I can’t tell if he is sitting at the command POST or not so he always has an advantage. To mix it up I sometimes wait a few minuets before I go to the bathroom. He usually wins then too. I always give him a wave to thank him and to acknowledge that he beat me again.

 When I asked him if I could take his picture he asked “why?”

“So I can put it on my blog.”

“Why”

“Because I need it for a POST post.”

“What?”

“Do you want me to explain it? It’s kind of a long story.”

“Yes.”

 So I explain the whole thing and he looks at me like I have two heads and then says it’s ok. Then he needs to make sure it’s a good picture. After he approves it and I start to walk away he yells down the hall for me.

“Auntie! Your not going to say bad things about me are you?”

“No Mr. Security! I love you, you rock!”

“Ok.”

 For the record, Mr. Security is awesome. He goes above and beyond the call of duty. 

 Oh, we also play another game. It’s called “please don’t tow my car.”

The POST Gods Are With Me

 I swear on everything I believe in that this is another true story;

 I had meetings and trainings yesterday. The new HR lady came by to do a few trainings. I had never met her before. She walked in when the Clinical dude was doing his professional boundaries training. I immediately thought she was cute. While I was listening, I was thinking about how cute she was. When it was her turn to talk, she opened with our sexual harassment policy. Great! I am thinking about how cute she is and she is talking about sexual harassment. I blame Kizz. She put my mind in the gutter on Sunday and it has been there since. Anyway, she ends by saying “You should never talk about your sexuality at work.” and then she begins talking about something else.

 I feel my blood begin to boil and my hand goes up in the air all on it’s own.

“I have a question!”

“Yes Auntie?”

“So it’s ok for my co-worker to say her husband is picking her up after work but it’s not ok for me to say my girlfriend is picking me up after work?”

“Oh, um, no. You can say that.”

“Well, you made a very broad statement about sexuality. You kind of made it sound like we shouldn’t say things like that.”

“That’s not what I meant. You shouldn’t talk about the details of your sexuality. Thank you for clarifying.”

That’s what I thought. Good thing because everyone at work knows I am a queer kid and I have no intention of trying to hide who I am.

 A POSTer;

Another True Story

 First, I would like to give my clients a shout out because they are providing me with inspiration for my POST posts. They don’t know I am doing this and they don’t even know I have a blog. So far, two clients have helped. Thanks kids!

 I have this client who is pregnant. She is by far the funniest client I have. She cracks me up every time I see her. Anyway, she calls me a half hour before I go to see her and she goes on this rant about her boyfriend. Apparently she is upset with him because he plugged her cell phone in to charge it and she is pissed because when he plugs her phone in “..his big stupid fingers..” shut the ringer off on the phone and he doesn’t even realize it. As a result, she ends up missing calls. She goes on and on about it and when she finally stops I say “It sounds like he is just trying to be helpful.”

 Wrong answer. 

 She launches into another tirade about the guy.

 I have to stop her but I tell her I will be at their house in twenty minuets and we can talk about it then.

 I go there, she gets in the car and picks right up where she left off.

 Apparently, this guy is a big jerk. He goes grocery shopping and picks out things he thinks she will like. He comes home from work and wants to cuddle with her. He would rather stay in with her than go out with a bunch of people. And, if that weren’t enough, he puts his clothes in the laundry basket! Asshole!

 Ok, there are problems with his “flaws”. The things he picks out for her she typically doesn’t like to eat, he works all day leaving her at home with the dog so when he gets home, she wants to go out and do things and be social. He puts his clothes in the basket but he won’t actually do the washing.

 We have a very good working relationship so I can call her on her shit. I tried to explain to her why he may do the things he does and not for nothin’ kid but he works all day and earns all the money. Is it going to kill you to do his laundry for him?

 “What is this really about?” I ask her.

“He’s just so dumb!”

“I can’t think of any woman who wouldn’t be thrilled to be with this guy! He is not dumb, he is nice and he is good to you and he loves you!”

” He is just dumb!”

“I think you are having hormone issues.”

” YOU THINK? No shit I am having hormone issues! I have a fucking person growing inside me! Don’t ever do this! Don’t ever make anyone do this for you! This sucks! I feel like shit every day! I feel like I am going to puke every fucking day! He has no fucking idea what this is like! I can’t believe he did this to me! I talked to my doctor about it and I told her she better get fucking ready now because if I feel like this already I am sure I will have POSTpartum depression. That will be just my luck!”

 Forty five minuets later when I dropped her off at therapy, she was still going strong. If this keeps up and her boyfriend makes it through the next seven months, I am going to nominate him for man of the year.

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True Story

 My work cell phone rang at 2:30 Tuesday morning. I know I should shut it off at 5 when my workday is done but I leave it on in case a client has an emergency. Anyway, here is the conversation;

“Hello?”

“Auntie? It’s _________. Sorry to wake you but I need some help.”

“Are you ok?” He had called twice. The first time I didn’t wake up enough to answer the phone. Hell, I didn’t even realize what the sound was until the second call. I figured it must have been bad.

“Yeah.”

“Where are you?” 

“Scary City.”

“What’s the matter buddy?”

“Can you come down and POST bail for me?”

 

not my actual client

“What?!”

“I need you to bail me out. I only need $32. Please?”

“I’m sorry bud, I am not allowed to POST bail for people.”

“I won’t tell anyone.”

“Sorry man.”

 I need to remember to discuss with my clients what an acceptable emergency is.

 

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A Shout Out

 My friend MST has started her own blog! Go check her out here. She has left several insightful comments on my blog and I am truly looking forward to reading her thoughts. Welcome to the blogging world MST!

 In other news, I voiced my work frustrations with my boss today. To my surprise, he is in agreement with me and has already begun to fix the problems we are having. I felt completely supported and validated. Of course it is not about me, it is about our clients, but when I feel like their best interests are not at heart I get pretty pissed off . He assured me things would get better but that I better just sit tight because it would take some time. 

 I don’t feel like I should discuss the problems here but I will say that some of the things I have been seeing have made me want to smack people up side the head and ask them what the fuck they were thinking. The clients come to us for help. It is our job to help them, not hurt them and not make them feel worse about themselves. Once again I have found myself in a situation where I have to stand up and do what’s right. I know I am going to seriously piss off some co-workers but I took this job to help our clients. That’s what I plan on doing. 

 In other, other news, did I mention I am excited to vote?!! Did anyone watch the Obama infomercial last night? What did you think?

Nearly Wordless Wednesday

 I got out of the shower to find a voice mail waiting for me on my work cell phone;

 “Hey Auntie, where do I go to register to vote?”

 Words cannot explain how happy I was.

 I called her and told her where to go and what to bring. I also told her how proud I was of her and that sometime between now and election day I wanted to sit down with her and talk about the candidates. She said that was fine but she already knew who she was voting for. I asked her why she chose her guy and she couldn’t tell me.

“That’s why I want to talk about it. You need to have good reasons for why you are voting for your guy.”

“How about I tell you why I am not voting for the other guy!”

She had some damn good reasons. 

 She has come so, so far.  This is part of why I love my job so much. I get to witness these “normal everyday” things that these kids never dreamed of doing while they were using. 

 After I got off the phone with her I called her PO and shared the good news with her too. I also told all of my co-workers who have worked with her in the past.

 

 Nearly wordless Wednesday? Not so much.

 

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