Auntie Teacher!

31 08 2008

 My beloved friend has joined the blogging world! If you visit, you will not be disappointed. My friend is one of the smartest people I know. She is the first person I call when I have questions about politics and can usually be counted on to answer other questions on other topics too. In the rare case that she doesn’t know, she will look you dead in the eye and say “I have no idea” but then she will tell you what she thinks the answer might be. 

 Not only is she smart, but she is very funny, kind, and giving. Oh wait, you can read all about her here.

 I call her Auntie Teacher on my blog but she might want to come up with a name of her own. Anyway, check her out!

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Pushing The Publish Button Has Never Been So Hard

31 08 2008

 For the past hour I have been sitting criss cross applesauce on my bed with my arms folded across my chest staring at my blog. The words “New Post” have been taunting me the whole time. This morning I read this post from Kizz and this one from Mrs. G. Both of these posts have stirred up a lot of feelings for me and I have been sitting here trying to put all the pieces together.

 A couple of months ago I thought I was going to loose it. I actually kind of did but not in a way that caused me to seek professional help or hit the bottle. For some reason, at that time, I had maybe ten different people tell me that I would make a great mother. Sounds like a great compliment right? It is to me but at the time I just had a really hard time dealing. 

 I really want kids. I mean I really want kids. I have wanted kids for a long, long time. Being a lesbian, this is something that really needs planing, and incidentally, a ton of cash. I am not going to wake up one morning and think to myself “I think I am pregnant” and then be forced to deal with the consequences. 

 So while I like the fact that people, especially people who are already parents, think that I would make a good mother, it got to the point where it was like a slap in the face. Now those of you who know me know that I am not one to sit around and mope about what I don’t have. I don’t generally feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job of making the best out of any situation I may find myself in. I am an “It is what it is” kind of girl and I try to remain present and in the moment.  Right now I don’t have kids. It is what it is. Back then though it felt like torture. I tried to talk myself out of it. I smiled and thanked the person who said I would make a good mom but inside I was filled with an overwhelming sadness that I carried around all the time.

 Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I called my best friend. All my feelings came out in one very long sentence. I told her what everyone was saying, that some people said I should just do it on my own and they didn’t understand that I want to do it with a partner. That I actually have given a lot of thought to bringing children into this world and even though I am sure I could do in my own, I am choosing not to do that because it is hard to be a kid and it is hard to be a parent and I am a lesbian and that would be hard for the kids too and what I want is a family of my own meaning two parents and two kids and a dog. Whew.

At the end of my rant all she said was “I know exactly how you feel.” That was what I needed to hear. 

 Right now, I don’t have a family of my own. The truth is I may never have a family of my own. I have been struggling with trying to just accept that. Right now I do have a bunch of great kids in my life and I am glad for that. I am warning you though, don’t endless bitch to me about your kids because I might just tell you to fuck off and be grateful for what you have.





A New Look

28 08 2008

 Not only was I bored with the way my blog looked, I thought it was dumb that in order to leave a comment, you had to scroll back to the top. In an effort to better accommodate my readers, I chose a theme where comments are accessed at the bottom of the post. Who loves you guys more than me?

 Also, I can customize the header. What you see now is a sunset shot I took last year. I wish I had more room but whatever. 

 What do you think?





Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

27 08 2008

 Sometimes I get all wound up and I have a hard time expressing myself. This may be one of those times so please be patient with me.

 This subject has come up a few times in recent weeks and it irks me to no end. Example number one; this post by Kizz. When I read things like this, my mouth drops and I think to myself “How is it possible that you cannot see how beautiful you are?!” Now, I know all about self image and lack of a positive one. I am after all, going to school to be a mental heath counselor. This post is in no way intended to minimize anyones feelings. The thing is though, when I hear or read things like Kizz wrote about, I just can’t believe it and my first instinct is to tell the person all the things about them that I think are beautiful and/or amazing. I did a bit of that in the comment section of Kizz’s blog. I could certainly do more of it here. The thing is though, I know it wouldn’t do a whole lot of good. Like Kizz said “Now all I have to do is try to see what she sees and find it likable myself. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, right. But a good place to start.”

 Example number two; Two women in the office were talking to each other while I was doing some paperwork. The one woman said ” One day I was crossing the street and this guy in a car started yelling at me to hurry up. I got upset because I felt like if I were prettier he wouldn’t have said a thing.” She said it with such sadness in her voice. I really thought she was going to cry. I looked up from my work in disbelief. 

“Do you really think about things like that?” I asked.

“Yes, I really do.” She said still with sadness.

“But you are beautiful!” I said with a hint of confusion in my voice.

“I just don’t feel that way.”

 Now let me tell you a bit about this woman. Physically she is very attractive. She is thin and petite and she has a great smile and nice hair. There is more. So much more. She is smart, funny compassionate, kind, and  empathetic. She truly cares about people and she is passionate about her work. She takes the most broken people and helps them learn to take care of themselves. She is absolutely amazing. How is it that she can’t see that?

 I can’t even stand the standards society has placed on women.( Let me back up a bit and say that it starts with kids. Fairy tails and Barbie dolls. What a great idea! Let’s drive the message home that you need to be rescued by someone else! But! You will only get rescued and lived happily ever after if you look like Barbie!)  We must weight this much. Our hair must be styled this way. If we don’t wear this than we are not cool. So what if the shoes hurt our feet and cause leg and back problems after long term wear? They look good so we will wear them. 

 Fuck that.

 I know, some of you may be saying that it easy for me to say because I am thin. The truth is though, sometime when I look at myself I am not always happy with what I see. Why is that?

 For me, not only do I get the messages from the media and society , I also get them from my friends. They tell me that I should pluck my eyebrow. (Yes, I left the “s” off on purpose. I almost have a unibrow.) They tell me I should dress differently so I show off my body more. Grow my hair so I look less like a dyke. Cut my hair because it is getting to shaggy. Loose the glasses and get contacts.

 No.

 I refuse to be a slave to my eyebrows. I will only wear clothes that are comfy. My hair length depends on my mood and the outside temperature. The thought of having something stuck to my eye ball wigs me out. 

 This is me. Take it or leave it. When are we going to learn to appreciate people just as they are? More importantly when are we going to learn to appreciate and love ourselves just as we are?

 I got a complement from a co-worker today. She said my butt looked really good in the pants I had on. That made me feel good. The one I got from another co-worker yesterday made me feel even better;

“You are always so happy!”

 She looked inside of me. Why don’t we do more of that? For me, what is inside is way more attractive than what is on the outside. Not to say physical attraction doesn’t have it’s place, it does. But for me, the more attractive the person is on the inside, the more physically attracted I become. Typically I am physically attracted to “fems”. Years ago I met this woman who I thought was not my type. The more I got to know her, the more attracted to her I became. Suddenly, I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and I fell in love. The relationship didn’t end up lasting but I was a better person for having been with her. I love her still to this day and thankfully, we are still friends. Imagine what I would have missed out on, and would still be missing out on, if I wasn’t able to put the “type” bullshit aside. 

 What I want is to be loved just as I am. For the most part, I love myself just as I am but sometimes I forget. As I write this, I am thinking that maybe I should add a page to my blog. I am thinking maybe once a day I will write something about me that I really like. Maybe if I do that I can look at it when I feel like my ass looks fat and remind myself what it is really all about; what I got goin on on the inside.





Coffee?

27 08 2008

I said to my co-worker, TSF, that I was goi g to the deli to get some lunch.
” Oh. I was just going to ask you if you wanted to walk to Dunks with me.”
“Sure. I’ll go for the walk.”
“Ok. Let’s ask Deli Girl if she wants a coffee.”
She did. We walk down and order the two coffees and start to walk back.
“Dude, where is you coffee?”
“I’m quitting. Down to one a day.”
“No way!”
Today I had no problem with just the one. I haven’t been getting the plain I we coffee yet but I am almost there.





Ten Things Tuesday

26 08 2008

 I was going to delete the comment from the Kiss My Face person but then I decided as a service to you, my loyal readers, I would keep it so you could use the code and get the discount if you are so inclined. Then I got to thinking that maybe, just maybe if I listed some other products I use,  they would send me codes too! Let’s give it a whirl;

1. Breyers chocolate ice cream. 

I love this stuff and have for years. For plain chocolate, nobody does it better then Breyers. I eat it almost every day. Sometimes the store doesn’t have it and that makes me feel sad.

2. Starbucks coffee. 

 The extra bold Italian roast is my favorite. 

3. Milk

Milk is never on sale. Why is that? Besides coffee, it is my favorite thing to drink. I can go through a gallon in two days easily.

4. Soap

 The price of soap is pretty reasonable but I wouldn’t mind a coupon for it.

5. Tampons

 I get irritated every time I have to fork over good money for these things! And no, it’s not because of PMS smart ass!

6. Toothpaste

 I like Tom’s and use it even though it is more expensive than regular toothpaste.

7. My phone plan

Shouldn’t I get a deal because I have been a customer for soooo long? Give me a break! And, when almost all of my friends use the “Can you hear me now?” dude, I stayed true. Show a girl some love, would ya!

8. I know, it’s a stretch but, gas.

 I’ll take any coupons from any local gas stations except Mobil or Exxon. I won’t buy gas from homophobes.  There is actually a place by Chili’s and a place by the court house selling gas for $3.49 a gallon. I so wish it was $2.49 a gallon.

9. Laundry soap and dryer sheets

  

 I am only thinking of this now because I need both products. Please hurry with the coupons because I do my laundry on Saturdays.

10. Boursin cheese

 This stuff is so good! I just ate a hamburger with it. It is also great on a baked potato or crusty bread. At $3.99 for a tiny package, I don’t buy it very often. Yum!

 Except for the gas, I am loyal to all of the above brands and have been for years.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Photo credit; Breyers, Starbucks, Hood milk, Olay Soap, Tampax, Tom’s of Maine, AT&T, Shell, Tide, Bounce, Boursin





Thanks Kizz!

25 08 2008

 Kizz was in the neighborhood this weekend! I got to spend some time with her over at Chili’s place. Two blogging buddies in one weekend! Cool!

 Kizz took a ton of pictures of the family. I took some of her too.

This one I took with my camera. The next one was taken with my phone.

 I was reluctant to have my own picture taken. I had to give in when she had Punkin and Beaner drag me over. I’m glad she did because there really aren’t a lot of family pictures.

 This next one was also taken with my phone. Beaner was climbing the tree while waiting for her turn in front of the camera.

 I didn’t doctor any of these pictures. I thought they were fine as is.

 It was a really good day for me. I had a blast with the family. I had a noodle fight (the pool toy variety, not the pasta variety) with both girls. Bean I took easily. Punkin, not so much. She may have been a knight in another life. I did what any self respecting Auntie would have done; I charged her and threw her over my shoulder. Later I enjoyed a bit of cuddle time with them both. Good times. When it was time to go I had the honor of shuttling Kizz to her next stop. It was nice to have her to myself for a bit. I would have liked more time but I was grateful for what I got. No cuddle time with her though..

 Prior to going up to Chili’s, the SLM family came by for lunch and a swim. I have been working on teaching Boy2 how to dive. I cannot tell you how many belly flops the kid has done. Ouch. I taught him how Chili taught me; crouch down and fall  head first in. He got that no problem but he had a heck of a time doing it standing up. Belly flop or folded in half every time. Finally, I had him visualize himself doing it. I had him on the edge of the diving board with his eyes shut and I talked him through the whole thing. I asked him if he could see it, he said yes.” Can you feel it?” “Yup. ” Ok buddy, do it. He wanted to know if he should keep his eyes shut. I told him to do whatever he wanted. I stepped off the board, he took a breath and in he went. He nailed it! Well, his legs were kind of froggie but aside from that it was perfect! He did several more with no problem. 

 Oh yeah, the main point of this post was to thank Kizz. She found some lips she thought I would like.

 The Burt’s Bees does not turn my lips white! I like them both equally and I am trying to decide if I should put one away or use them both. If I use them both, I think I will use Burt’s when I am feeling more on the dyke-ish side and the Kiss My Face when I am in touch with my girly side. Or I could use them both at the same time. The Burt’s would have to be the top though..

 Anyway, thanks again Kizz, you rock!