Department Of Redundancy Department

29 01 2009

I am starting to feel like the school Gods do not want me to go to school. Once again, they effed up my registration. Once again, they said I was not registered.

Hello Students,
I have recently been informed that a number of you have experienced issues with your course registration. If those of you who are experiencing this problem could identify yourselves so I can get an idea of how widespread this has become, I would appreciate it. I’m currently working with the Registrar’s Office to shed some light on why this problem has arisen, but for your convenience, I have attached a registration form for those of you who may need to re-register; you can either mail or fax it straight to me. Thank you for your patience!
Regards,
Student Care Lady

Tell me, if you wouldn’t mind, how it would be convenient for me to register again!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you.

Hi Student Care Lady, I don’t think I am having problems with my registration. Site Coordinator Lady usually takes care of that. However, Professional Ethics does not appear on the my University web page. Does that mean I am not registered?
Thank you.
Auntie

Professional Ethics is my next class. You know, the one I am already registered for!

There I go again.

This does mean that you are not currently registered for two of your newest courses. I have sent out new registration forms to everyone to be filled out while this is sorted. We apologize for the inconvenience!

So I called the registrar’s office and spoke to the same man I spoke to the last time this happened. I told him that I had a copy of my registration for the spring and if he would like, I could scan it and email it to him right away. He told me that would be fine. Then I told him he would be hearing from me the week after I submit my registration so I am sure that I really am registered.

Because, you know, I register when I am supposed to but I am going to REALLY register for real the next time. The first time is just for fun. A rough draft, if you will.

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I Should Be Writing A Paper

25 01 2009

 But instead I am writing a blog post. The whole thing started when I decided to call Chili and thank her again for the printer she gave me as a Christmas gift. I told her that it is really nice that I can do my research on my laptop in the living room, find something relevant, hit the print button, and never have to get up from the comfortable living room chair. If only I had someone to retrieve the paper from the printer. Yet another good reason to have kids!

 Anyway, when I was done talking to Chili, the phone got passed to Punkin. It seems there is a lot going on at the Chili household today. While Mr. Chili was removing the ice dam from the roof, the Chili children were building a snow fort in the snowbank created by the man who plowed while they were away. I could not help but to bring up some safety issues with snow forts. My young niece listened patiently while I lectured her.

 After that, the conversation turned to fairies. It seems that there are lots of them in the neighborhood. Wait, let me clarify! These kind of fairies;

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 NOT these kind of fairies;

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Most fairies are found in gardens whereas some are indigenous to the streets of P-town.

So, my question to Punkin was where do the fairies go in the winter? Florida?

“No, they go to the Bahamas.”

 Of course they do! How silly of me!

 Somehow we then started talking about a movie they watched yesterday called Igor. She told me all about this movie. She went on and on and on and on  about this movie. I am troubled by the fact that there is a suicidal rabbit in the movie.

“Wait a minuet! Is this a kids movie?”

“Yes, but don’t worry, the rabbit can’t die.”

Oh. Well that makes me feel better.

 Next the phone gets passed to Beaner.

“Hello?”

“Hey Bean! Whatcha doin’?”

“Oh hi Auntie! I’m reading Real Simple magazine.”

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“How old are you?”

“Um? Nine?”

“Ok, just checking. What are you reading about?”

“I am reading a feature called ‘Road Test’.”

“Road Test? What are they testing?”

“Swim suits, hummus, self-tanners, and make-up mirrors.”

 It may not be very funny to you, but for me, hearing my nine year old niece tell me she was reading about swim suits, hummus, self-tanners, and make-up mirrors was fucking hysterical.  I tried to talk but I couldn’t stop laughing. Tears were streaming down my face. When I finally pulled myself together I asked her what else she had read.

“Advice your doctor won’t give you.” 

“Really! Like what?”

“To much lemon is bad for your teeth. It eats at the enamel.”

 Good to know. Isn’t my family great!

 

Photo Credit: Garden fairies, Real Simple





Just Some Stuff

23 01 2009

Below is a photo of a cell phone tower that a welder accidentally caught fire. It burned,

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 it fell to the ground.

 Can you hear me now?

 Lame, I know. I couldn’t help myself. I’m working on it though. 

 The Room-Mate has a tough couple of weeks. She has had a wicked cold and today she called me to tell me she had pink eye. Dude, that sucks. She wanted me to know that she was disinfecting the house.

 Thanks man.

 I told her to let me know if she was going to work or not because if she wasn’t, I would stop at the market and get dinner. She said she would call but never did. When I got home, I found this note;

note

 Funny, because I just noticed how it was written. I read it as “Sorry I didn’t call, dropped my phone in the toilet. Hoping it will dry out. Went to work.” I AM SURE this is how she meant to write it and I AM NOT posting it to bring attention to her lack of writing skills. She has mad writing skills. Readers, I posted it because my poor R.M. can’t seem to catch a fucking break lately. Send some good energy her way, will you?

 Now THIS I am posting to point out bad grammar. Why? Because mine leaves a lot to be desired too so when I find something that is incorrect it makes me feel wicked smaht! I is a college kid after all!

peter

 I should have called Peter because I was not satisfies with my food. 

 

Photo credit





Go Shorty, It’s Your Birthday!

22 01 2009

 Today Auntie Teacher turns Four-T!  Not forty, she’s to cool for that. Maybe fore-t though, she does like to golf. 

 I was going to post the 50 Cent video that goes along with the title of this post, but while watching I realized that 50 had a Yankees hat on. That would have made Auntie Teacher very upset. The last thing I want to do is upset my peep on her birthday. Let’s go with this one instead;

Happy Birthday my friend!





Car Poop

19 01 2009

 Mrs. G,  in a comment from last week said;

“I am unfamiliar with car poop? WTF?”

 Observe;

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 Car poop is the snow that accumulates in ones wheel well while driving. I just had a little bit because I didn’t go very far, but it can, and does build up so much that it actually touches the tire. 

 I don’t let it build up, I kick it off…

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.. leaving four piles of poop wherever I may be parked.  If one doesn’t kick off the car poop, it can freeze up so much that it is nearly impossible to get off. 

 The car poop lesson is now over.





Adventures In Shopping

17 01 2009

 On Thursday I took Punkin shopping for clothes. She asked me to get her clothes for Christmas so I bought her one outfit and told her I would give her $50 so she could pick some things out for herself. There were rules though. I am sure she knew there would be rules. And a lesson. I saw this as a learning opportunity for my beloved niece. 50 bucks may seem like a lot to a nearly 12 year old but it’s not. 

 Rule #1. If you put your hands up and I can see your belly, you will not be allowed to buy it.

 Rule #2. If you bend over and I see your crack, you will not be allowed to buy it.  This is a tough one because it is difficult to find pants that are not low rise. I recognize that this is the style however, I wish the manufactures would consider their market a bit better. There is no reason any girl under the age of 25 should be wearing low rise jeans. 

 You don’t have to say it. I already know. 

 Rule #3. You get $50. Not one cent more.

 I prompted Punkin to think about what she needed. She informed me that what she needed most was pants. At that, I encouraged her to think about how much money she was willing to spend on any given item.  I reminded her that the sale stuff is at the back of the store and we should check there first.

 So off we go. We went to the Gap first. She found a pair of pants that were $9.99 with an extra 25% off. That’s my girl! She also found a dress that she loved. It was super cute but I was concerned that it was not practical.

 “When do you think you will wear that dress?”

 “Well, me and my friend like to play dress up.”

 “Do you really want to spend your money on dress up clothes?”

 “Probably not. I could wear it for Easter.”

 “I think it would make a fine Easter dress.”

 “It’s not Easter colors though.”

 “Who says you have to wear pastels on Easter?” 

 “Mom does.”

 “Ok then. Good job thinking it through!”

 After that, I told her we could head to the next store to see what they had and come back to the Gap on the way out if that is what she wanted to do. 

 Off we went to Limited Too.

 People, this is a children’s store. Specifically, young girls. Some of the shit I saw in there made me wonder how these people sleep at night.

  She picked up a shirt that had sequins across the boob area for me to inspect. Instead of asking her why she thought it would be appropriate or not, I blurted out “Absolutely not! There is no reason you need to be drawing attention to your chest!” 

 The poor kid. She may have the most conservative aunt in the world.

 Next was a very mini skirt. I handled this a bit better;

 “Do you think it’s appropriate?”

 She knew exactly where I was going. She’s a smart kid.

 “Auntie it’s a SKORT! Plus I would wear it with leggings!!”

 She ended up deciding that she didn’t like it all that much and put it back. Good thing. It looked like something Molly Ringwald wore in Pretty In Pink. Ugh.

 To make a long story short, she walked out with a Cami and a half a hoodie kind of shirt to wear over it. 

 I do not understand fashion at all.

 Back at the Gap she tried on the $9.99 pants and a pair of full price yoga pants. The $9.99 ones were fine. No crack. The yoga pants?

 “They’re  kind of tight at the top.”

 “Auntie! They are yoga pants! There supposed to be! I need them for gym plus they are nice enough to wear for band. I need new band pants! My band shirt is long!”

 See how fucking slick she is? She used the word “need” twice.

 “Ok Punkin. If that’s what you want.”

 “Auntie? Why do you look so sad?”

 SAD? I’m not SAD! You’re 11! I don’t want people looking at your ass! Why don’t we go get you a nice pair of overalls and a turtle neck!

 “I’m not sad, Punkin, I’m conservative.”

 “I won’t get them if you don’t want me to.”

 “No, they’re fine. You can get them.”

 There was a time when she was really young that she wanted to dress like me. I got her carpenter pants like mine. Hiking boots just like mine. She even wanted the same underwear. She got little Jockey’s with the same print as the ones I wore.

 I knew she would grow out of it. I knew it wouldn’t take long to realize that she was dressing like a little dyke. In my defence, I only bought her things she asked for. Once she moved out of the baby dyke phase, it was all the girlie stuff she wanted.

 We go to purchase her pants when she tells me she would really like the (super cute, super practical, super warm) down coat that was on sale.

 “You won’t have enough money left.”

 “I really like it though. I’ll put the yoga pants back.”

 “Punkin, what do you need most?”

 “I need the pants.”

 Good girl!!! I was so proud of her. So proud that I wanted to buy her the coat anyway. I couldn’t of course. If I did, the lesson would be lost. I really wanted her to understand that sometimes you need to make tough money choices.

 When the woman at the register rang in her pants and gave me the total, I was surprised.

 “Are those yoga pants on sale?”

 “Yes they are!”

 “Punkin, you are going to be close with that jacket. You might just make it.”

 She ran over and grabbed it and handed it to the lady.

 She waited with anxious anticipation while the lady rang it in to find the sale price. 

 She looked at the lady.

 She looked at me.

 I thought she was going to start drooling.

 “Punkin, you are 68 cents over your $50.”

 Her face begged me to let her have it. I stood strong.

 “What did I tell you?”

 “You said not one cent over $50.”

 The lady looked at me like I was an asshole. I kinda felt like one but I needed to stay strong.

 “What if I give you the 68 cents? Can I get it then?!”

 She was so proud of herself for thinking of that. I was too.

 “You got the cash?”

 “Yes!”

 “Fork it over!”

 So, for 50 bucks she got a Cami, a half of a damn shirt, two pairs of pants, and a winter coat. Not. To. Shabby!





Happy Birthday Times Two

15 01 2009

 Two rocking women, both of whom I love very much, are celebrating their birthdays today!

 My sister, Chili, turns forty today!! I think forty is going to look really great on her. I think my sis is really finding her groove. Not to say that she has been out of whack all these years, she hasn’t. I just think this is going to be a great time in her life. I have noticed that she is more comfortable speaking her mind lately. Some may have been because she had a bit of help in the form of liquid courage, some came on it’s own. For example, we were talking on the phone the other night;

“I haven’t been happy with my blog lately. I’m not sure what’s up with it, I just haven’t like the way I have written lately.” I said.

“I know what you mean. You haven’t been.. I don’t know.. Funny. You have not been as funny as I expected you to be.”

 Because she is correct, I just agreed with her but in my head I wanted to tell her to go outside and play hide and go fuck herself.* At the same time though, I thought that it was good that she could be so honest with me. I have a deep respect for people who can tell it like it is. I dislike having to try and guess where I stand with people.

 So, my dear sister doesn’t think my blog is funny. Fine.  Hey Chili! I am not a freaking comedian! You want funny, go see a comedy show or something! Way to put the pressure on me you big fucking bully! Just so you know, because of that comment, I took your present back. If the weather holds, I’ll be over tonight. Bake your own damn birthday cake. The double chocolate one and have it ready by the time I get there. Maybe then I will think about getting you a present. 

 Just kidding. I never got you a present.

 Go on over to Chili’s place and wish her a happy day!

 SLM1 is celebrating her birthday today too! She is WAY nicer than my sister! For example, a couple of weeks ago she called me to tell me she bought me a pair of jeans. Do you know why she bought me a pair of jeans? Because she saw them and she thought I would like them!! See how she is? She rocks. 

 Like my sister, SLM1 also tells it like it is. She never fails to put me in my place, in a nice, empowering sort of way, which is a trait that I really appreciate. I feel like, especially over this past year, her and I have grown closer. For that I am very grateful. 

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 Happy Birthday my friend! I am looking forward to celebrating with you on Saturday! SLM1 doesn’t have a blog so feel free to leave your bithday wishes here.

 

*For the record I would like to say that I think my sister is awesome and I lover her very much. She is very, very good to me and is always loving and supportive of me. I would not trade my sister for anything in the world, I am just giving her a hard time because as of today, she is old. I love you Chili!!

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Photo credit; Me and my sisBirthday,