My client had another dentist appointment today. You remember her from last week? She had a tooth pulled and complained about it the entire ride back. Well, she had another one pulled today.
I told her if she had anymore pulled she was going to have to move to New Hampshire with the other toothless rednecks.
Again, on the ride home, she complained about it.
“What the fuck, Auntie! This sucks! I don’t want to have anymore teeth pulled!”
“Perhaps you should have thought of that before you started smoking crack and shooting heroin?”
“You think! Damn! I can’t believe I did this to myself!”
“Nice job owning it!”
“Thanks. I gotta go back in two weeks for more work. Dude, this sucks!”
“Are you going to loose any more teeth?”
“I don’t think so. She thinks she can save the rest.”
“One more pulled and off you go!”
“What? What do you mean? Where do I have to go?”
“New Hampshire.”
“Very fucking funny! Sorry I keep bitching about it. I know I’m not being much fun right now.”
“No, it’s kinda fun. Not as much fun as my sister though.”
“What happened to your sister?”
“The last time she went to the dentist she had to be knocked out. I had to pick her up and bring her home. She asked me four times if I had her phone. It was the only thing she said the whole day.”
“Really?”
“Really. ‘Do you have my phone?’ ‘Yes, I have your phone’ It was kinda funny. Then I put a a bag of frozen corn on her face.”
“Corn is better than a steak! Really, she only asked about her phone?”
“Yup. Until the next day.”
“What did she ask you the next day?”
“She asked how she got in her pajamas.”
“You put her in her pajamas? That’s so nice!”
“Had to. She puked on herself.”
“Oh man! That’s just fucking wrong! She didn’t remember any of it?”
“Not one bit. You’re not going to puke are you? Please don’t puke in my car.”
“No. Whats up with your sister? Why did she have to get knocked out?” She asked while laughing.
“She’s a wimp.”
“Oh.”
It was suddenly perfectly clear to her. The rest of the ride she talked about other things. She knew she couldn’t top that one.
Who does she think she is anyway? 
I’m SO glad I could be of service.
I VAGUELY remember puking – OUTSIDE of the car. I also vaguely remember it being because I swallowed a lot of blood. I only remember asking you about the phone once, in the office, but I don’t doubt your account of the events; That’s about ALL I remember, and I’m just as happy to leave it that way.
I figured out WHY I’m such a wimp at the dentist’s, by the way. I don’t respond to things with “caine” in their names – Novocaine, Lidocaine, etc, etc. – and our childhood dentist, good as he may have been, didn’t believe me when I said that I could still feel everything he was doing to me. Since the maternal unit didn’t bring us to dentists until we were WELL past preventive care, we (or, at least, *I*) had to have A LOT of fillings, and most of them were pretty deep. A trip to the dentist became torture, and no one believed me. THAT’S why I’m a wimp at the dentist, and why I’m willing to shell out big bucks and put myself at the mercy of people like you so that I can be stoned to have my appointments. I’d rather be a little humiliated than traumatized again, you know?
MWAH! I’m glad I can provide you with good stories to your clients.
So, then, Mrs. Chili, do you also avoid things like “The Caine Mutiny” and anything with Michael Caine in it? 🙂
No, Falcon; I’ve not noticed an insensitivity to Michael Caine (though some of his movies haven’t really done anything for me).
Wise ass.
Why, thank you, Mrs. C. One does one’s best. 🙂