Pushing The Publish Button Has Never Been So Hard

31 08 2008

 For the past hour I have been sitting criss cross applesauce on my bed with my arms folded across my chest staring at my blog. The words “New Post” have been taunting me the whole time. This morning I read this post from Kizz and this one from Mrs. G. Both of these posts have stirred up a lot of feelings for me and I have been sitting here trying to put all the pieces together.

 A couple of months ago I thought I was going to loose it. I actually kind of did but not in a way that caused me to seek professional help or hit the bottle. For some reason, at that time, I had maybe ten different people tell me that I would make a great mother. Sounds like a great compliment right? It is to me but at the time I just had a really hard time dealing. 

 I really want kids. I mean I really want kids. I have wanted kids for a long, long time. Being a lesbian, this is something that really needs planing, and incidentally, a ton of cash. I am not going to wake up one morning and think to myself “I think I am pregnant” and then be forced to deal with the consequences. 

 So while I like the fact that people, especially people who are already parents, think that I would make a good mother, it got to the point where it was like a slap in the face. Now those of you who know me know that I am not one to sit around and mope about what I don’t have. I don’t generally feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job of making the best out of any situation I may find myself in. I am an “It is what it is” kind of girl and I try to remain present and in the moment.  Right now I don’t have kids. It is what it is. Back then though it felt like torture. I tried to talk myself out of it. I smiled and thanked the person who said I would make a good mom but inside I was filled with an overwhelming sadness that I carried around all the time.

 Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I called my best friend. All my feelings came out in one very long sentence. I told her what everyone was saying, that some people said I should just do it on my own and they didn’t understand that I want to do it with a partner. That I actually have given a lot of thought to bringing children into this world and even though I am sure I could do in my own, I am choosing not to do that because it is hard to be a kid and it is hard to be a parent and I am a lesbian and that would be hard for the kids too and what I want is a family of my own meaning two parents and two kids and a dog. Whew.

At the end of my rant all she said was “I know exactly how you feel.” That was what I needed to hear. 

 Right now, I don’t have a family of my own. The truth is I may never have a family of my own. I have been struggling with trying to just accept that. Right now I do have a bunch of great kids in my life and I am glad for that. I am warning you though, don’t endless bitch to me about your kids because I might just tell you to fuck off and be grateful for what you have.

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9 responses

31 08 2008
mrschili

I love you.

31 08 2008
Jules

I understand your struggles, pain, and frustration. Due to cancer, I had to accept that I would never be able to give birth. I may have a family at some point but it will happen differently and look differently than I always thought it would. I, too, do not want to be a single parent so that has delayed things as well.

It surprised by how much it knocked me off my feet. Then I realized I needed to allow myself to grieve. Not because I gave up hope to ever have a family, but because it just wasn’t going to happen the way I wanted it to. It took me a while to grieve and accept it and it sucked. Especially when I would hear people bitch and moan about their kids or see them neglect spending time with them.

I still have moments of regret and sadness over the whole thing but I have managed to mostly accept it and move on. But it took time and patience with myself (and still does some days). Sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel sad so you can get to the other side.

I know how you feel.

31 08 2008
Kizz

And this, is the reason I can’t let you marry me.

I’m sorry that you’re sad.

31 08 2008
Mrs. G.

I know this really cool single lesbian woman in Oregon who has three kids she’s raising alone…have I mentioned I love to hook people up.

Like you, I wouldn’t have wanted to do it alone. I need back-up for when my crazy kicks in and I’m not being funny. I need back-up.

xxooxxoo

31 08 2008
Auntie

Jules, thank you for your kind words and understanding. I think the accepting part will be an ongoing process.

Mrs. G, I am sure your friend is wonderful and I really appreciate your attempt to hook me up. New England is my home and I cannot imagine leaving here nor would I ask anyone to move away from their home. Do you know anyone within a hundred mile radius of Boston?

Kizz, I know honey. I know.

Love you back, Chili!

1 09 2008
twoblueday

I wish I knew what to say. I hope all your dreams come true.

1 09 2008
twoblueday

I left a comment earlier wishing all your dreams come true. It doesn’t seem to have appeared.

1 09 2008
Auntie

Thank you Gerry! Me too.

4 09 2008
Grammar Snob

I, too, am sorry you’re sad. I have friends who have struggled for YEARS (not to mention tens of thousands of dollars) with fertility issues. It’s hard….so hard. Not exactly the same, I know, but still.

I wish you peace.

~Snob

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