Auntie Teacher!

31 08 2008

 My beloved friend has joined the blogging world! If you visit, you will not be disappointed. My friend is one of the smartest people I know. She is the first person I call when I have questions about politics and can usually be counted on to answer other questions on other topics too. In the rare case that she doesn’t know, she will look you dead in the eye and say “I have no idea” but then she will tell you what she thinks the answer might be. 

 Not only is she smart, but she is very funny, kind, and giving. Oh wait, you can read all about her here.

 I call her Auntie Teacher on my blog but she might want to come up with a name of her own. Anyway, check her out!

Pushing The Publish Button Has Never Been So Hard

31 08 2008

 For the past hour I have been sitting criss cross applesauce on my bed with my arms folded across my chest staring at my blog. The words “New Post” have been taunting me the whole time. This morning I read this post from Kizz and this one from Mrs. G. Both of these posts have stirred up a lot of feelings for me and I have been sitting here trying to put all the pieces together.

 A couple of months ago I thought I was going to loose it. I actually kind of did but not in a way that caused me to seek professional help or hit the bottle. For some reason, at that time, I had maybe ten different people tell me that I would make a great mother. Sounds like a great compliment right? It is to me but at the time I just had a really hard time dealing. 

 I really want kids. I mean I really want kids. I have wanted kids for a long, long time. Being a lesbian, this is something that really needs planing, and incidentally, a ton of cash. I am not going to wake up one morning and think to myself “I think I am pregnant” and then be forced to deal with the consequences. 

 So while I like the fact that people, especially people who are already parents, think that I would make a good mother, it got to the point where it was like a slap in the face. Now those of you who know me know that I am not one to sit around and mope about what I don’t have. I don’t generally feel sorry for myself and I do a pretty good job of making the best out of any situation I may find myself in. I am an “It is what it is” kind of girl and I try to remain present and in the moment.  Right now I don’t have kids. It is what it is. Back then though it felt like torture. I tried to talk myself out of it. I smiled and thanked the person who said I would make a good mom but inside I was filled with an overwhelming sadness that I carried around all the time.

 Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I called my best friend. All my feelings came out in one very long sentence. I told her what everyone was saying, that some people said I should just do it on my own and they didn’t understand that I want to do it with a partner. That I actually have given a lot of thought to bringing children into this world and even though I am sure I could do in my own, I am choosing not to do that because it is hard to be a kid and it is hard to be a parent and I am a lesbian and that would be hard for the kids too and what I want is a family of my own meaning two parents and two kids and a dog. Whew.

At the end of my rant all she said was “I know exactly how you feel.” That was what I needed to hear. 

 Right now, I don’t have a family of my own. The truth is I may never have a family of my own. I have been struggling with trying to just accept that. Right now I do have a bunch of great kids in my life and I am glad for that. I am warning you though, don’t endless bitch to me about your kids because I might just tell you to fuck off and be grateful for what you have.