Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

27 08 2008

 Sometimes I get all wound up and I have a hard time expressing myself. This may be one of those times so please be patient with me.

 This subject has come up a few times in recent weeks and it irks me to no end. Example number one; this post by Kizz. When I read things like this, my mouth drops and I think to myself “How is it possible that you cannot see how beautiful you are?!” Now, I know all about self image and lack of a positive one. I am after all, going to school to be a mental heath counselor. This post is in no way intended to minimize anyones feelings. The thing is though, when I hear or read things like Kizz wrote about, I just can’t believe it and my first instinct is to tell the person all the things about them that I think are beautiful and/or amazing. I did a bit of that in the comment section of Kizz’s blog. I could certainly do more of it here. The thing is though, I know it wouldn’t do a whole lot of good. Like Kizz said “Now all I have to do is try to see what she sees and find it likable myself. Easy peasy, right? Yeah, right. But a good place to start.”

 Example number two; Two women in the office were talking to each other while I was doing some paperwork. The one woman said ” One day I was crossing the street and this guy in a car started yelling at me to hurry up. I got upset because I felt like if I were prettier he wouldn’t have said a thing.” She said it with such sadness in her voice. I really thought she was going to cry. I looked up from my work in disbelief. 

“Do you really think about things like that?” I asked.

“Yes, I really do.” She said still with sadness.

“But you are beautiful!” I said with a hint of confusion in my voice.

“I just don’t feel that way.”

 Now let me tell you a bit about this woman. Physically she is very attractive. She is thin and petite and she has a great smile and nice hair. There is more. So much more. She is smart, funny compassionate, kind, and  empathetic. She truly cares about people and she is passionate about her work. She takes the most broken people and helps them learn to take care of themselves. She is absolutely amazing. How is it that she can’t see that?

 I can’t even stand the standards society has placed on women.( Let me back up a bit and say that it starts with kids. Fairy tails and Barbie dolls. What a great idea! Let’s drive the message home that you need to be rescued by someone else! But! You will only get rescued and lived happily ever after if you look like Barbie!)  We must weight this much. Our hair must be styled this way. If we don’t wear this than we are not cool. So what if the shoes hurt our feet and cause leg and back problems after long term wear? They look good so we will wear them. 

 Fuck that.

 I know, some of you may be saying that it easy for me to say because I am thin. The truth is though, sometime when I look at myself I am not always happy with what I see. Why is that?

 For me, not only do I get the messages from the media and society , I also get them from my friends. They tell me that I should pluck my eyebrow. (Yes, I left the “s” off on purpose. I almost have a unibrow.) They tell me I should dress differently so I show off my body more. Grow my hair so I look less like a dyke. Cut my hair because it is getting to shaggy. Loose the glasses and get contacts.


 I refuse to be a slave to my eyebrows. I will only wear clothes that are comfy. My hair length depends on my mood and the outside temperature. The thought of having something stuck to my eye ball wigs me out. 

 This is me. Take it or leave it. When are we going to learn to appreciate people just as they are? More importantly when are we going to learn to appreciate and love ourselves just as we are?

 I got a complement from a co-worker today. She said my butt looked really good in the pants I had on. That made me feel good. The one I got from another co-worker yesterday made me feel even better;

“You are always so happy!”

 She looked inside of me. Why don’t we do more of that? For me, what is inside is way more attractive than what is on the outside. Not to say physical attraction doesn’t have it’s place, it does. But for me, the more attractive the person is on the inside, the more physically attracted I become. Typically I am physically attracted to “fems”. Years ago I met this woman who I thought was not my type. The more I got to know her, the more attracted to her I became. Suddenly, I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world and I fell in love. The relationship didn’t end up lasting but I was a better person for having been with her. I love her still to this day and thankfully, we are still friends. Imagine what I would have missed out on, and would still be missing out on, if I wasn’t able to put the “type” bullshit aside. 

 What I want is to be loved just as I am. For the most part, I love myself just as I am but sometimes I forget. As I write this, I am thinking that maybe I should add a page to my blog. I am thinking maybe once a day I will write something about me that I really like. Maybe if I do that I can look at it when I feel like my ass looks fat and remind myself what it is really all about; what I got goin on on the inside.


27 08 2008

I said to my co-worker, TSF, that I was goi g to the deli to get some lunch.
” Oh. I was just going to ask you if you wanted to walk to Dunks with me.”
“Sure. I’ll go for the walk.”
“Ok. Let’s ask Deli Girl if she wants a coffee.”
She did. We walk down and order the two coffees and start to walk back.
“Dude, where is you coffee?”
“I’m quitting. Down to one a day.”
“No way!”
Today I had no problem with just the one. I haven’t been getting the plain I we coffee yet but I am almost there.