A Real Pain In The Ass

6 05 2008

 Remember how I had some moles and stuff removed last month? Well, one of them has been bothering me, the one on my ass specifically. At first it was just itchy. I was at SLM1 and 2’s sons baseball game a few weeks ago, standing at the fence watching the game. I turned to SLM2 and just stared at her. “What’s the matter with you?” She asked. “My ass is itchy!!” I said. I promptly turned around, put my ass against the chain link fence, and tried to use it to discreetly scratch my butt. She got a good chuckle out of it.

 A few days later it started to hurt. Not really bad, it was really more annoying than anything. I tried to look myself with no luck. Not for lack of trying though. I had myself all twisted and bent over in front of the mirror. Then I went over to the Chili’s and had the her take a look. Obviously she’s not a doctor but she is a mommy, and mommy’s just know things. She said it looked ok to her.

 Last week at the outreach office, I sat in the bosses chair and as soon as I did I let out a little squeal. My co-worker, TSF, said “What the fuck is wrong with you!?” “My ass hurts.” I said. “I had hemorrhoids when I was pregnant.” She informed me. “I don’t have hemorrhoids! I have stitches!”

 Fast forward to last Friday. I tell Chili at Pumkins track meet that my butt still hurts and ask her if she will look again. She says she will when we get to the Olive Garden. I tell her I am so not dropping my pants in a public restroom! She tells me we will go in the handicap stall. I didn’t think of that, she really is smarter than me. So, we go and eat and leave without her looking at me. We both just forgot. As I was hugging the family good bye, Mr. Chili decides that since it is my birthday, he should give me a pinch to grow an inch. Wouldn’t you know he hit the exact spot on my butt that was stitched! I can’t remember exactly what I said (do you Chili?) but I said something like “Stitches. Ass. Ouch!” Mrs. Chili remembered then that she was gonna have a looksie and did I want to do that now? Um, no, I think I will just limp to my car, thank you.

 The ride home had me driving like a teenage boy. You know, leaning towards the passenger seat, wrist hanging over the steering wheel.

 Yesterday I decided I couldn’t deal anymore. After giving myself PLENTY of time to heal, I had to call the doc. They got me in first thing this morning. The nurse said that sometimes, with some people, the dissolvable stitches just don’t dissolve. Sure enough, that’s what happened to me. She had to dig them out. You would think the knots they tie under your skin (on both sides of the incision) would be small. They are not. They are about the size of a softball. And they have to be dug out with a garden spade.

 Today I am driving like a teenage boy again.




8 responses

6 05 2008

See? Doctors are big fat liars who are more trouble than they’re worth!

Get yourself an ice pack and some ice cream, cool that ass down from inside AND out.

6 05 2008

Not that it’s your fault, BUT (lol) why did you wait so frickin long??? No wonder the nurse needed a garden spade!

6 05 2008

Oh, HONEY! I’m SO sorry! My only consolation is that I wouldn’t have been able to help you in the Olive Garden, anyway – I likely wouldn’t have seen the under-the-skin stitches.

Poor baby! Feel better, m’kay?

6 05 2008

MST- I waited so long because I figured it might just be sensitive because of the area. Also, I am so not one of those people who call the doc for every ache, pain, or hangnail. Besides, when I went for the follow up she said IT LOOKED FINE! Thanks for laughing at my pain though, that’s awesome!

Kizz- You can be sure I will be having ice cream tonight. Oh wait, I have ice cream almost every night.

Chili- Thank you for your understanding. Or are you being a smart ass too?

6 05 2008

You know I’m not laughing at your pain…it goes without saying that I’m sorry you went through that. Just remember for next time that pain that localized that many days later = call the Dr…but hopefully you won’t need to remember. since hopefully there won’t be another time.
And I’m glad I’m not alone in my nightly ice cream intake!

7 05 2008

All I can say is I’ll bet your mama had one heck of a time raising you and mrschili.

Dr. B

9 05 2008

Just stopping by to check out your ass. How’s it feeling? (I’ll take your word for it, I’m not the type to feel it for myself.)

9 05 2008

My ass is doing much better Lanie, thanks for checking on it!

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