Ten Things Tuesday

15 04 2008

Today’s ten things are things people have said to me that made me laugh out loud. The first three are from a client. She is fargin hysterical and she makes me laugh every single time I see her. We have a standing Friday appointment. Last week she told me meeting with me is a great way to end her week. The same is true for me. It’s important to remember that I work with young people who have just gotten out of jail and have addiction issues! Here goes;

1. I asked her if she would be willing to participate in the upcoming team building event I was planning. “I was thinking we would go camping and do some rock climbing. Are you interested?” I asked. “Yes!” She said, with a ton of excitement while clapping her hands. “Can we drink?” I busted out laughing and managed to get out “Uh, no! Hello!”

2. She was having some trouble finding a therapist she felt comfortable with. She has been through several in the last couple of years. I referred her to a new place to try. While sitting in the kitchen with her and her mom, I asked her how she liked the new therapist. She said that so far, she seemed ok. At that, her mom said “Tell Auntie what you wore to Therapy yesterday.” “Oh,” she said with a laugh. “A tee shirt that says ‘Compulsive Fuck Up.'” I burst out laughing. Mom was mortified. I tried to explain that it really wasn’t funny, but in a way it was. Totally unprofessional, but damn, that shit is funny!

3. Last week we somehow got in the conversation of fashion. I was telling her that I choose clothes that are comfortable. My wardrobe consists of soft, loose pants and shirts. “I’m calling What Not To Wear on you!” She said.

4. When Bean was maybe four, we we talking about how everyone seems to think that she looked just like me when I was her age. I said ” You know what that means don’t you?” “What?” she said. “It means you are going to look just like this (I was pointing at myself) when you grow up. What do you think about that?” Her reply; “Not. Good.”

5. Auntie teacher and I were driving down the road talking about our grocery list. She said “Let’s get the ground coffee this week.” “Why? The whole bean tastes much better!” I said “There is more coffee in the pre-grounded bag.” She said. In a very calm voice I said “They measure it by weight.” “No!” she said, “They can fit more ground beans in the bag!” “Auntie Teacher, it’s a pound of coffee whether it is ground or whole bean.” “No!!” She said. “There is MORE coffee in the ground bag!” She wasn’t giving up on this one and I couldn’t believe I was having this conversation with someone who is so smart. “Auntie Teacher! A pound is a pound! A pound of coffee and a pound of shit weigh the same!!” At that, she got it.

6. I put my kayak in the basement a couple of months ago. The next day the room mate comes up to me and says “I got home last night and Ma told me she was worried about your kayak in the basement. She told me that if the basement floods again, she wouldn’t be able to pay for any damages to it. I said “Ma! it’s a boat! It will float!'” You have to understand that Ma is very smart. She just had a momentary brain cramp.

7. When I worked in residential with the teenagers, we had a room that was called the de-escalation room. It was a very small room that was usually completely empty. We put kids in there who were on the verge of having a major melt down. Sometimes they would go on their own, sometimes we had to escort them. This one kid started escalating because I had asked her to redo her chore. She was pissed, and started winding up. I asked her to go to the room. She did and me and another staff were standing outside the door waiting for her to calm down. She was yelling and screaming. After a bit she said she wanted to call her mom. “Not while you are acting like this!” I said in a not nice tone. I had a really good relationship with this kid and I knew that if she didn’t get all her feelings out at once, she would have a tough day. Sometimes you gotta provoke them. You always have to follow up with them. It’s not about being an ass, it’s about helping them move through their shit. Anyway, this REALLY set the kid off. “You’re a CUNT! CUNT, CUNT,CUNT!” She began yelling. No big deal. I have been called worse. Then she started spelling, “You’re a CUNT! C-U-N-T!” Me and the other staff started laughing hysterically. This wound the kid up even more! She spent the next five minuets screaming. When she finally calmed down a bit, we asked her if she was ready to talk. She was still pretty hot but said she was. I invited her into the dining room but reminded her that if she escalated and became physically violent, then we would have no choice but to put hands on. She was cool with that and began talking about her feelings. She was yelling but it was no big deal. She was talking about how she was upset with her mom, blah, blah, blah, and then ” when you laughed at me, that really hurt my feelings!” “Oh honey!” I said. “We were not laughing at you! I have been called a lot of things over the years so it was no big deal that you were calling me a cunt. However, no one has ever spelled it out! That was very creative!” I said with a laugh. The other staff started laughing too and then the kid was laughing. She had a great day after that.

8. Overheard at a Dunkin Donuts filled with very elderly people; “How’s your brother? Is he dead yet?”

9. Again, at the residential. I was giving a kid her meds. I she was standing on the opposite side of the Dutch door and started mouthing off to me. She took her meds, at which point I said “Thank you. Now go sit in time out.” As she walked away she said ” I hate stupid dykes!” She was trying to piss me off. I replied, while leaning over the door, “ME, TOO!” She laughed and later apologized too me.

10. I have a friend I call Joey because she is just like Joey from the show Friends. “When was the baby consumed?” she asked of a friend who was pregnant. “You mean CONCEIVED!” I said. She said shit like that all the time.




2 responses

15 04 2008

*SNORT!!* I don’t remember Beanie saying that. Out of the mouths of babes, huh?

I say stupid shit like Ma said all the time. Mr. Chili just looks at me, waiting for me to catch up to myself and realize the dumb thing I just said. Most of the time, I figure it out on my own…

15 04 2008

I hate stupid people too, no matter who they’re sleeping with!

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